I think I’ve made it clear by now just how I feel about Crystal. So given that this episode revolves around her, and her sad-sack life (and isn’t the amazing awfulness that is the my-husband-is-entombed-in-a-bridge incident), I don’t have much to say about this one.
But here’s what I do have.
Crystal is sad and mopey, and the girls at work are all, “Oh dear, what’s wrong, you’re acting so sad,” as if this isn’t her M.O. 24/7. Turns out she’s heartbroken because Hank, some jerk who buffs his nails, has dumped her for someone else. Roseanne and Jackie try to convince her to go to the Lobo Lounge with them that night to talk it out. But she’ll have to get a sitter for Lonnie, she says, finally confirming that the rando kid at the bowling alley is her son.
By the way, Sylvia is a bit character who pops up every other episode or so to deliver some wackadoodle line, and as she dumped all her pills out onto the table for Crystal to select from, I really just wanted to know more about her. Whatever, Crystal, sort yourself out, I need to know more about this broad.
Back at home, the kids are praying for a snow day, and Darlene is procrastinating on her book report. Dan stays home with them while Roseanne goes out, prompting the bartender, upon learning this, to remark that Roseanne managed to get Dan to babysit. Now, this is the sort of comment people make about husbands/fathers all the damn time, and it irks me, so it brought me great pleasure when Roseanne retorted, “Babysit, hell, they’re his kids too!” YES. Exactly. They’re not just her responsibility, they’re his too.
Speaking of the bartender, more fantastic ’80s fashion for you to feast your eyes upon:
At the bar, Crystal mopes, and we finally get some more of her story– she’s been married three times, is a doormat, and has no self-esteem. So far, not much more to her than what we’ve seen, so… sigh. The only good bit is watching Roseanne and Laurie Metcalf work off each other. These two work fantastically together when they’re given comedic bits– unfortunately these are less frequent than their serious interactions or arguments.
Meanwhile at the house, the kids are watching the game with Dan rather than doing their work. I really only bring this back up because there’s a perfect bit of set dressing here– earlier on, Darlene was throwing wads of paper on the kitchen floor instead of working, which didn’t get picked up despite Roseanne asking her to. In this scene later that night, the wads of paper are still there. It’s nothing major, but that’s some great attention to detail from their set people/script supervisor.
Booker, who was previously a classy dude, skipped out on Jackie and lied that it was because his mother was in town. As it turns out, he’s really out with this chick.
Sorry, but she is clearly a step down from Jackie, so what is Booker doing? Maybe she hypnotized him with her giant, spiral earrings. Jackie, a strong and witty character at this point in the series (before devolving into a neurotic, helpless mess as the years go by) gets him back by pretending to be his wife to scare off his date. Booker, furious, says, quite fairly, that there was no way of knowing if they were exclusive or quite where they were because of the way she treats him at work. Jackie responds to this wisely:
You know damn well the way we treat each other has nothing to do with the way we feel!”
To wrap things up, Roseanne gives Crystal a pep talk and finally fills us in on some of her redeeming qualities– she’s a good mother, she’s honest, hardworking, always comes running when anyone needs anything, and is a vital, intelligent woman in the prime of her life.
Sure, Rosie. If you say so.
– Ah, good old Beer brand Beer:
– Crystal drinks Pink Squirrels all night, which have the look and consistency of Pepto Bismol, so I googled to see just what’s in them: 1 oz Creme de Noyaux (almond liqueur), 1 oz Creme de Cacao, 1 oz heavy creme. Really, Crystal?